New York Divorce Lawyer & Attorney : Clement Law Firm : Family Law Serving Manhattan, Westchester County, Brooklyn, Queens, Bronx, New York City

A-Rod, Christie Brinkley, Madonna. There is no escaping it. Divorce is all over the news. The tabloids (and their readers) are eating it up.

The issues in these celebrity divorces are, in large measure, the same as those of everyone else. Granted - few of my cases involve the wealth of someone like A-Rod.

These cases seem to all have the recurrent theme of adultery, infidelity and loss of trust. As a result of the betrayal, marital assets will have to be divided.

The very public Christie Brinkley trial is particularly compelling. It is providing a primer on how a child custody trial works. In a child custody case the inquiry is what are the best interests of the children. In the Brinkley case the court must decide if the children should be in the sole custody of the mother or whether there should be some type of shared custody. The trial also demonstrates the role of mental health professionals in a custody fight.

The very public process, the attorneys and the press all try to demonize or to paint parties as “all good” or “all bad.” In my experience, this is often not the case. In most cases, the spouse you loved and married years ago, did not over-night morph into some unrecognizable evil force. While all the parties to the process are flawed, they have good attributes as well.

At the end of the custody battle like Christie Brinkley’s, there are no winners, only losers. The parties will not only have lost their dignity, they will also have lost the ability to share, together, the joy of life’s great events like their children’s graduations and weddings, or even the birth of their grandchildren.

The children will certainly lose. In the end, they will be drawn into the “battle” and become alienated from one, or both, of their parents.

In the end, the lesson from these trials should be that divorcing parents should, to the extent possible, agree that they cannot live together and that the marriage should end. While there may be some dispute over economic issues, parents should, to the extent possible, work together to find a way to share responsibility for raising their children

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A study published in Ambulatory Pediatrics warns that young children, who are separated from their parents, are at increased risk for learning difficulties and may require special education.

Separation of parents and children is one of the unfortunate consequences of divorce. It is disturbing to learn that divorce may be a cause of learning disabilities.

The study enrolled 1,619 children between ages 4 and 6 who were entering Rochester City School District kindergarten classrooms in the fall of 2003. Parents or caregivers were asked if their child had ever been away from a parent for more than a month, and if so, if the separation occurred once, twice, or more than three times. These adults also completed the Parent's Appraisal of Children's Experiences (PACE) survey to measure their children's developmental skills by various observable behaviors (e.g., if the child can cut with scissors; if he or she can tie their shoes") The results were then analyzed to produce four 4-point scales, each measuring different dimensions of healthy. development, including: how well a child learns new tasks; how well he or she uses language to express ideas; how literate he or she is (e.g., can he or she read his own written name"); and the quality of his or her speech (e.g., do other people often have difficulty understanding the child")

Children who have been separated at any point scored significantly worse both on the 4-point scales measuring their ability to learn new tasks and their pre-literacy skills. Of note, their expressive language and speech scores fared better-- they were comparable to those of their non-separated peers

There are practical explanations for the study’s findings. For instance, in the case of a single parent household, the custodial parent may be working and raising several children. This parent simply may not have the time to spend reading to the children or exposing them to new things. It is believed that early childhood exposure to new ideas and experiences fosters children’s learning skills.

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For some reason, Valentine’s Day brings on lots of articles about divorce. Jonathan Clements (no relation) wrote an interesting piece in the Wall Street Journal about his “fairly successful” divorce.

Success, he properly points out, does not mean he took his ex-wife to the cleaners or that he extracted every concession he could from her. To Clements, a successful divorce means that while he and his ex are not best friends, they each benefit from having a civil relationship in which they both get to share in the joys and pains of raising their children.

Clements, armed with the perspective of looking backwards, offers some invaluable divorce tips:
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Avoid the legal arms race because it will hurt both of you.
As you negotiate a settlement, every dollar of legal costs incurred likely means 50 cents out of your pocket. Trust me: There are cheaper ways to work through your anger.

Having the ex-spouse around the corner might seem uncomfortably close.
But if you have children, it probably means you will see less of your former spouse. There are no awkward drop-offs and pickups. Instead, the kids just walk back and forth.

Maintain a reservoir of goodwill, because you'll need it.
It will be your week with the kids, your boss will have other plans -- and you may need your ex-spouse to bail you out.

If your ex ends up with a little more money in the divorce or goes on to do well financially, don't let it eat away at you.
In all likelihood, your children will be the ultimate beneficiaries.

Think of your relationship with your ex-spouse as a business relationship.
Forget the bad blood. Ignore stuff that isn't your business. Instead, focus on the task at hand, which is raising the children.

Divorce is a process- it is not an end result. At the end of the process, you may want and even need your ex to help nurture, support and even discipline the children.

Bottom line- burning bridges during the divorce may later preclude you from sharing in the joys and responsibilities of being a parent. .

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In an interesting piece on the Huffington Post, Stacy Schneider opines that Rudy Giuliani’s “Nasty Divorce” reveals why he may be unfit to be president. Politics aside, the former mayor’s divorce is a primer on what not to do during a divorce.

The divorce was a vicious, go-for-the-jugular, corrosive slugfest, with Rudy seemingly pulling the sharpest punches of the pair. His ongoing public display of his mistress's affections was certainly unbecoming of an elected official. But watching an uncaring father of two young children consistently display his contempt for his own family on the television news was both shocking and heartbreaking.

Schneider highlights the mistakes made by Giuliani, to which I add my thoughts.

• Rudy publicly humiliates his wife by announcing his divorce plans to the media, before privately informing her and their children. He then openly admitted having a romance with Judy Nathan, now his third wife, while he was still married.

Is it no surprise that Rudy is estranged from his children? When asked how I tell my children that I am getting divorced, I doubt anyone would suggest holding a press conference. The children should have been privately told that their parents were divorcing.

• Next the mayor's attorney, famed celebrity divorce lawyer, Raoul Felder viciously attacked Donna Hanover with Rudy's approval, publicly describing her as "howling like a stuck pig."

There really is no place for name calling or finger pointing. This child- like behavior may sell newspapers, but, it only adds to the animosity, without any tangible or economic benefit.

• Further, it seemed to be a big priority of Rudy's to maintain his own comfort in carrying on his liaison with Judy Nathan at the expense of his children. This was evident when a judge barred her from continuing her frequent visits to the mayor's mansion, ostensibly because of its effect on the children, who were living there with their mother. At one point during divorce proceedings, Rudy was denied joint custody of his son because he insisted on having Judy present during the children's overnight visits at his home.

This is a clear case of not acting in the best interests of the children. Giuliani put his desire to be with his girlfriend over and above the needs of the children. The Mayor would have been better advised to spend alone time with his children to re-establish their bonds.

I can only imagine the loss of trust and sense of betrayal his children felt after learning that their father left their mother for another woman. The feelings had to be transformed to frustration and anger when the children, while visiting their father, were forced to spend time with his new girlfriend.

Since we learn from our leaders, Giuliani’s divorce is a case book example of how to alienate your children as part of a divorce. This is a lesson not to be followed.

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Divorce, visitation and holidays-three things, that when combined, raise divorced parents’ blood pressure and put a lot of stress on their children. There are some things you can do to  make the holidays a little more bearable.

The Divorce Law Journal highlights ten tips to help children enjoy the holidays:

• Give your children permission to love the other parent. Help your child make a card for Dad or buy a gift for Mom. Encourage them to call the other parent.
• Set realistic expectations. To divide or share a holiday, each parent will have only half as much time with the child. While children may enjoy multiple celebrations, most do not care that the festivities are actually on “the” day. Holidays can be alternated by year and if Mom does not have Thanksgiving with the child this year, bake a turkey the preceding weekend.
• Coordinate gift giving. If a child has a wish list, split it with the other parent. Resist the temptation to over-indulge the child with gifts. Do not give the child a gift you know the other parent is planning to give. If the other parent will not cooperate, do not complain to the child.
• Do not use your children as messengers. The decision of where to go and when should be decided by the parents. Permitting the child to choose time with one parent is a burden and vests the child with inappropriate power.
• Do what you say you are going to do. Pick up and drop off the children on time. Do not request last minute changes.
• Never let a child hear you disparage the other parent.
• Resist the temptation to permit your child to act as your caretaker.
• Do not uproot your children if at all possible.
• Reassure your children that the divorce or separation is not their fault and encourage  them to call the other parent.
• Permit your child to see and love grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins on the other parent’s side of the family.

Above all, be unselfish. Put your children’s needs above your own desire to be with them. The best gift you could give your children may be to allow them to enjoy a stress-free, drama-free holiday.

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Darn Divorce provides some insightful tips on how to help children cope with divorce.

1. Tell children the truth in simple terms with simple explanations. Tell them where their other parent has gone.
2. Reassure them that they will continue to be taken care of and that they will be safe and secure.
3. Your children will see that parents can stop loving each other. Reassure them that a parent’s love for a child is a special kind that never stops.
4. Spend time with each child individually. Whether you have custody or visitation, the most important thing to the child is your individual relationship with him or her. Build the best relationship you can. The future is built of many tiny moments.
5. Children feel responsible for causing the divorce. Reassure them that they are not to blame. They may also feel that it is their responsibility to bring their parents back together. Let them know your decision is final and will have to be accepted.
6. Divorcing parents often feel guilty and become overindulgent. Give your child love, but also give limits.
7. Your child is still a child and can’t become the man of the house or a little mother. Continue to be the parent to your child. Seek other adults to fill your own need for companionship.
8. Avoid situations that place a child in the impossible position of choosing between parents:
* Don’t use your child as a way to get back at your spouse. Children can be terribly wounded this way.
* Don’t say bad things about the other parent in hearing of a child.
* Don’t say or do anything that might discourage the child from spending time with the other parent.
* Don’t encourage a child to take sides.
9. You and your former spouse will continue to be the parents of your children for life. Pledge to cooperate responsibly toward the growth and development of your children as an expression of your mutual love for them.
10. Be patient and understanding with your children. Be patient and understanding with yourself.
Even though it may be the last thing you feel like doing, cooperating with your spouse during your divorce is one of the best things you can do for your children. They learn that conflicts can be resolved eventually, which is a valuable lesson.

It is important to remember, that the children are the “victims of divorce.” In most cases, they should be allowed, and, in fact, encouraged to maintain a relationship with both parents

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The Modern Woman’s Divorce Guide has been running a series of  Weekly Divorce Tips. This week’s tip offers some simple advice for a complex problem- How to tell your children that you are getting divorced.

Telling your children about divorce is challenging, but essential. According to Gary Neuman, a psychotherapist and divorce expert who appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show a few weeks ago, “the way children are told about their family breaking up is a seminal moment that no child forgets.”

So, how do your tell your children about divorce without scaring them for life? Gary Neuman recommends you do it by following these basic rules:

•“Both parents should be present to tell the children together - with the main message being, you, the children, are still our priority.
•It should not take more than 45 seconds.
•Practice what you’re going to say, before blurting out things that can hurt forever.
•Never disparage the other parent, because it makes your child feel guilty about loving them.”

I offer a few more thoughts:

• Your children are not divorcing your spouse, only you are. If your spouse is bad, imperfect, or completely flawed, let the children discover that themselves. You do not have to flag your spouse’s faults for them.
• Do not make the children choose sides. To the contrary, children should be encouraged to have a relationship with both parents.
• Tell the children, particularly if they are young and may not understand, that nothing they did caused the divorce.
• Re-assure them that both parents love them.

Do you have any tips?  Please share your thoughts and comments.

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The Family Law Professor Blog and Forbes.com report on an Australian study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family that shows that children of divorced parents “had twice the risk of going through a divorce themselves.”

The study found that family history was more predictive of divorce than genetics.

The research did not completely eliminate all genetic factors, however. According to D'Onofrio, about 66 percent of the increased risk for divorce appears to stem from the simple fact of a person's parents having been divorced. The remaining 34 percent of the risk seemed to be tied to genetic factors, as well as other factors affecting parents and children. . .

The study is unique, the researcher said, because it is based on data from more than 2,300 twins, their spouses and their adult offspring. In other words, many of the younger people in the study are actually cousins who are also "genetically half-siblings," because their aunt or uncle shares their parents' genes.

So, to help separate out the effects of genetics from family environment, the Australian team compared the marital success of cousins who grew up in stable families (no divorce) against cousins who came from families split by divorce.

I suppose that if children are exposed to the notion that marriage is not forever, they may be more accepting of the idea of terminating the martial relationship  through divorce when conflict arises. This would seem to be consistent with the notion that second or third marriages also have a lower probability of success.

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