Ten Tips to Deal With Holiday Stress

Posted by Daniel Clement on November 25, 2009

The holidays can be one of the most stressful times.  There are financial and familial demands.  The stress and pressure can become unbearable and lead to depression.  

The Mayo Clinic offers ten tips into dealing with holiday stress. 

1. Acknowledge your feelings. If someone close to you has recently died or you can't be with loved ones, realize that it's normal to feel sadness and grief. It's OK to take time to cry or express your feelings. You can't force yourself to be happy just because it's the holiday season.

2. Reach out. If you feel lonely or isolated, seek out community, religious or other social events. They can offer support and companionship. Volunteering your time to help others also is a good way to lift your spirits and broaden your friendships.

3. Be realistic. The holidays don't have to be perfect or just like last year. As families change and grow, traditions and rituals often change as well. Choose a few to hold on to, and be open to creating new ones. For example, if your adult children can't come to your house, find new ways to celebrate together, such as sharing pictures, emails or videotapes.

4. Set aside differences. Try to accept family members and friends as they are, even if they don't live up to all your expectations. Set aside grievances until a more appropriate time for discussion. And be understanding if others get upset or distressed when something goes awry. Chances are they're feeling the effects of holiday stress and depression too.

5. Stick to a budget. Before you go gift and food shopping, decide how much money you can afford to spend. Then stick to your budget. Don't try to buy happiness with an avalanche of gifts. Try these alternatives: Donate to a charity in someone's name, give homemade gifts or start a family gift exchange.

6. Plan ahead. Set aside specific days for shopping, baking, visiting friends and other activities. Plan your menus and then make your shopping list. That'll help prevent last-minute scrambling to buy forgotten ingredients. And make sure to line up help for party prep and cleanup.

7. Learn to say no. Saying yes when you should say no can leave you feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Friends and colleagues will understand if you can't participate in every project or activity. If it's not possible to say no when your boss asks you to work overtime, try to remove something else from your agenda to make up for the lost time.

8. Don't abandon healthy habits. Don't let the holidays become a free-for-all. Overindulgence only adds to your stress and guilt. Have a healthy snack before holiday parties so that you don't go overboard on sweets, cheese or drinks. Continue to get plenty of sleep and physical activity.

9. Take a breather. Make some time for yourself. Spending just 15 minutes alone, without distractions, may refresh you enough to handle everything you need to do. Take a walk at night and stargaze. Listen to soothing music. Find something that reduces stress by clearing your mind, slowing your breathing and restoring inner calm.

10. Seek professional help if you need it. Despite your best efforts, you may find yourself feeling persistently sad or anxious, plagued by physical complaints, unable to sleep, irritable and hopeless, and unable to face routine chores. If these feelings last for a while, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional.
 

Most of all, have a wonderful thanksgiving. 

 

 

 

Social Abandonment: Not a Grounds for Divorce

Posted by Daniel Clement on November 24, 2009

Because New York remains the only state in the country that does not provide for a no-fault divorce, creative lawyers have been forced to “push the envelope” to develop theories using the statutorily recognized grounds of divorce-abandonment, adultery, cruel and inhuman treatment, imprisonment, and constructive abandonment.

In one recent case, the wife alleged that she had been “socially abandoned” by her husband. In Davis v. Davis, the wife of 41 years claimed that her husband:

. . .refused to engage in social interaction with the wife by refusing to celebrate with her or acknowledge Valentine's Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and the wife's birthday, by refusing to eat meals together, by refusing to attend family functions or accompany the wife to movies, shopping, restaurants, and church services, by leaving her once at a hospital emergency room, by removing the wife's belongings from the marital bedroom, and by otherwise ignoring her.

The Second Department, however, ruled that a social abandonment does not constitute a grounds for divorce. In order to constitute abandonment, there must be an actual abandonment, a lock out of the plaintiff by the defendant, or a constructive abandonment. A constructive abandonment has:

“. . .been routinely defined as the refusal by a defendant spouse to engage in sexual relations with the plaintiff spouse for one or more years prior to the commencement of the action, when such refusal is unjustified, willful, and continual, and despite repeated requests for the resumption of sexual relations.”

The Court engaged in an exhaustive explanation as to why a social abandonment should not be recognized as a divorce grounds. Perhaps the most interesting reason given was that it would burden the courts with fact finding. Since there would be no bright line as to the appropriate level of “social intercourse,” courts would be forced to engage in a case by case analysis to determine if a social abandonment had occurred. The determination would involve consideration of “family events, meals, holidays, religious activities, spousal expectations, cultural differences, and communications.”

If however, New York recognized a no-fault or an “irreconcilable differences” grounds for divorce, courts could be divested of the need to consider grounds issues. This point was not lost on the Appellate Division, which concluded that:

The interest of the matrimonial bar is borne of its frustration that New York is the only state that requires a finding of fault or the living apart of spouses as a basis for divorce. . . The New York State Matrimonial Commission determined that contesting matrimonial fault is costly to both litigants and the judiciary. An appellate recognition of social abandonment would be a significant leap, in the view of some, toward no-fault divorce in New York, either de facto or de jure. While we are sensitive to the desire of many for a reformation of matrimonial litigation in New York including, but not limited to, the enactment of no-fault divorce grounds, this case cannot provide the vehicle for that goal.

 

New York's Highest Court Up-holds Same Sex Marriage

Posted by Daniel Clement on November 20, 2009

The New York Court of Appeals narrowly upheld same sex marriage in New York.  

The Court, in a 4-3 decision did not settle the question  of whether same-sex marriages performed in other states should be recognized. Judge Eugene F. Pigott Jr., writing for the majority, expressed “hope that the Legislature will address this controversy.”

The three judges in  a concurring decision,said that the court should have addressed the wider issue because New York law already allows for the recognition of marriages that are considered legal elsewhere.

In her concurring opinion,  Judge Carmen Beauchamp Ciparick, wrote  “that the orders under review should be affirmed on the ground that same-sex marriages, valid where performed, are entitled to full legal recognition in New York under our state’s longstanding marriage recognition rule.”

The two case evolved out of  the policy of  the Department of Civil Services, extending health insurance benefits to the partners of state and local workers who were married out of state and a similar policy in Westchester County.

Divorce Risk Higher When Wife Gets Sick

Posted by Daniel Clement on November 16, 2009

 

A recent study found that women who were told they had a serious illness were seven times as likely to become separated or divorced as men with similar health problems.

 

Tara Parker-Pope reports in the Well Blog that:

When the man became ill, only 3 percent experienced the end of a marriage. But among women, about 21 percent ended up separated or divorced. Among couples who split up, divorce occurred, on average, about six months after the diagnosis, although there was wide variability in the timing.

It seems that men run away when health issues arise affecting their spouse, whereas women “hunker down” and deal with the issues. This finding is even more pronounced when the pre-diagnosis “heath of the marriage” is considered.

If couples are happy before the diagnosis, it appears that men are more likely to abandon wives who become seriously ill. If couples are already troubled before a partner becomes ill, the finding suggests that women in unhappy marriages are less likely to proceed with a divorce if their husbands become ill.

The study made no conclusion as to the reason for this phenomenon. A possible explanation could fall along the traditional or stereotypical roles of men and women in a marriage. Wives are typically the nurturers and caregivers in the relationship, whereas husbands are not. However, this theory fails to explain why men abandon an otherwise happy relationship after the diagnosis of a serious  illness.
 

Financial Issues That Destroy The Best of Marriages

Posted by Daniel Clement on November 10, 2009

I have long felt that since money and money issues are the leading cause of divorce, the economic health of a marriage is a good barometer of the overall health of marriage. Ron Lieber, in his “Your Money” column in the New York Times identifies five, often unanticipated, economic stressors capable of destroying even the strongest of marriages.

Often, the tensions brought on by financial issues have been exacerbated by a failure of communication. The parties may be foreclosed from solutions that may have been available if both the husband and the wife were “in the loop” and working together as a team.

Still, the types of problems that could destroy even the strongest of marriages can be classified as follows:

1. Reduced Circumstances.

Every long term marriage goes through the ups and downs of the economic cycles, However, as is prevalent in the current economic environment, couples faced with a reduction in income or the loss in value in assets, are forced to address the cruel reality that they can no longer afford to sustain their present marital lifestyle and must cut back.

As Lieber points out, in order to survive, the couple must re-engage and readjust their “expectations about what married life is going to look like and “redefine a relationship that’s not based around the lifestyle”

2. Complacency and Lack of Involvement

Typically one spouse manages the checkbook, and manages the investments and makes all the financial decisions. When a financial crisis arises, the finger pointing and the blame game begins.

Lieber’s solution is more transparency and conversations about assets, debts and risk.

3 Parental Care Issues

The desire to take care of a parent raises a litany of ethical and /moral dilemmas. The obligation to care for a parent has to be tempered against the cost to the nuclear family.

4. College and Adult Children

College costs are exploding, stretching the finances of the families. A couple’s retirement calculations are generally based upon projections of an empty nest, a household unoccupied by children. Now, adult children, facing their own economic uncertainty want to return “home.” Parents, though well intentioned, disagree about how and when to “cut-off “their children.

5. Uncertainty

While one crisis may not destroy a marriage, doubt and fear, over time, wears down the relationship.

The suggested solution is to be diligent, to live below your means, to save and to create a large emergency fund. Long term financial planning should include college savings for your children and long-term care insurance your parents.

While leaving below one’s means may not be possible or desirable, saving for the rainy day is advised. Communication is essential. A financial crisis can put a marriage in peril, being blindsided will destroy it.