Communicating With Children of Divorce- What Shouldn't You Say?

Posted by Daniel Clement on October 27, 2009

As difficult as divorce is for the parties, it is far more traumatic for the children. When parents divorce, every aspect of the children’s life is up-ended as they watch their parents prepare to go to war against each other.

Children, who should enjoy the unconditional love and affection of both parents, may be drawn into the battle as their loyalty is tested. A showing or expression of affection for one parent could be taken as a sign of betrayal to the other. Children must stagger through an emotional minefield while their parents battle.

Although it seems like common sense, in order to minimize the children’s battle scars, parents need be mindful of the messages they are sending to the children. In particular, they need be cognizant of not only what they are saying, but how they are saying it. Of course, some subjects are just off limits.

The Texas Family Law Blog offers an instructive guide of things not to say to children and I have interposed my thoughts.

1. Do not say “Nothing is going to change.”

Be honest with you children and don’t lie. The truth is probably everything that matters to the children is going to change- the children’s relationship with each of their parents is going to be different. The family will no longer be intact and the children may even have to move and change schools. The economics of the family may change.

Perhaps offer that change offers new opportunities and that change does not have to be bad.

2. Do not talk negatively about the other parent to the children.

Though you may be tempted to vent your frustration to your children, don’t!
If your spouse is unloving, cheap or selfish, in time your kids will figure it out on their own. In the interim, the children should be directed to love and respect both parents

3. Do not blame the divorce on the children or your spouse.

Divorce is never just one person’s fault and it is certainly not the fault of the children.

4. Do not discuss the details of the case with the children.

There is no reason for the children to know the details of the divorce. Court documents should not be left on the kitchen counter for children to pick up and casually read.

5. Do not use the children to spy on your ex.

When the children come back from visiting your ex, don’t interrogate them on what the ex said about you or what they did. They children should not be your messenger or your spies.

6. Do not  argue with your ex in front of the children.

Children have two parents. They are entitled to share the love and affection of both. In the end, parents should not do anything to prevent that from happening.

 

Lies: Good or Bad for a Marriage?

Posted by Daniel Clement on October 20, 2009

Not all lies are equal or bad, so says Elizabeth Bernstein in the Wall Street Journal.

No one would ever claim that lies about infidelity would be acceptable. But, as Ms. Bernstein urges, “the fibs and feints and little white lies that serve as a social salve and help a relationship run smoothly.”

Some of the acceptable reasons, to fib, she argues, include- “to avoid conflict, to gain approval, to save face or just to be kind.”

Every man learns, for instance, that the answer to the question “does this outfit make me look fat” is an emphatic “No!” Perhaps this is not a lie- maybe the rose colored glasses from which a husband views his wife takes ten pounds off her backside.

Asking do I look fat or which outfit looks better on me calls for an opinion. But, would it be acceptable to lie about a fact?

One of the major reasons for divorce is that there is a loss of trust. Where do you draw the line between little inconsequential lies and the complete betrayal of trust? If the lie is of little consequence, why even bother to lie? If the entire foundation of the marriage is based on lies, isn’t the marriage destined to self-destruct?
 

Get Your Same Sex Divorce Now- New York's High Court Considers Validity of Same Sex Marriage

Posted by Daniel Clement on October 14, 2009

Yesterday, the Court of Appeals, New York’s highest court took on the issue of gay marriage.  One of the issues to be decided was whether to continue to recognize same sex marriages legally performed in other jurisdictions.

As previously discussed,  New York presently  recognizes, as valid, marriages performed in Canada, Massachusetts, Vermont and the other jurisdictions that permit gay marriage.

The Court could decline to recognize foreign marriages and await legislative action on the issue. If New York does not recognize the marriage as valid, a New York same sex divorce may no longer be an option.

Given this you, any same sex couples who have valid foreign marriages and are considering divorce should consider expediting the process and seek the divorce before the Court renders its decision.

See  Nicholas Confesore's article in the New York Times for coverage of yesterday's proceedings.  
 

Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook, Round 2- Is the Custody Fight Over

Posted by Daniel Clement on October 14, 2009

The custody fight of Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook reared its ugly head again.

Last year the case settled after several days of lurid testimony about Peter Cook's affair with a teenage store clerk and revelations that he spent thousands of dollars downloading pornography.

Sophia Chang and John Valenti report in Newsday that the in the current dispute:

Cook wanted Brinkley found in contempt of court for allegedly failing to deliver their son's passport to his house in November, which, Cook said, caused Jack to miss a school trip to Egypt. In return, Brinkley's attorneys filed a countermotion to hold Cook in contempt for discussing the marriage on talk shows in violation of a confidentiality agreement.

Though, the parties were apparently able to resolve their dispute, they learned that even after a divorce cases are “settled,” agreements involving custody and visitation of children are not final.

To often, parties are so antagonistic towards each other that they rigidly adhere to custody and visitation schedules that are not workable. Rather than being flexible and mature, some parents use a visitation schedule like a sword-in effect, to deprive the other parent ( and the children) of quality bonding time.

Parenting time schedules cannot be written in stone. School vacations, extra-curricular activities and special occasions may not coincide with the provisions of a settlement agreement written weeks or months, never mind years earlier.

Divorced parents do not have to love or even like each other. But as Peter Cook, sincere or not, summed up to the Associated Press what is required is to “remove conflict so that we can go on about our lives. I respect my children's time with their mom, and all I ask is that she respect their time with me."

Parents Cannot Contract Away Child Support Obligations

Posted by Daniel Clement on October 06, 2009

A finding of emancipation terminates the parental obligation to pay child support. For this reason, the issue is oft litigated.

The typical divorce settlement agreement provides that child support will terminate on the happening of an “emancipation event” which is defined by parties’ settlement agreement, but generally includes the child’s death, marriage or entry into the military.

Many agreements also provide that a child should be deemed emancipated if the child enters the workforce on a full time employment. However, the Appellate Division, First Department ruled last week that a child’s full time employment alone does not constitute an emancipation event; the child must also be fully self supporting and economically independent.

In Thomas B.v. Lydia D, the parent’s agreement provided for the termination of support, without any consideration of the son’s economic independence. Support terminated only if the child was employed on a full time basis.

The Court ruled that this provision was contrary to law and public policy.

The parties cannot contract away the duty of child support. "Despite the fact that a separation agreement is entitled to the solemnity and obligation of a contract, when children's rights are involved the contract yields to the welfare of the children.“ The duty of a parent to support his or her child "shall not be eliminated or diminished by the terms of a separation agreement" nor can it be abrogated by contract.

Whether a child is economically independent requires a fact specific inquiry. Even if a child is working but relies on a parent for significant economic support such as paying for utilities, food, car insurance, medical insurance or clothing, the child cannot be considered economically independent, and thus is not emancipated This is true even where the child is residing with neither of the parties, so long as the child is still dependent on one of the parties for a significant portion of his or her support.