Holiday Greetings From The Divorce Report

Posted by Daniel Clement on December 24, 2008

This is a great time of the year to take stock of all that we have to be grateful for. Even readers of this blog, who are, presumably, engaged in some type of matrimonial action, whether it be a divorce or a child custody case should be able to find something to be thankful for, i.e., their health or simply the love and support of their extended family and friends. Embrace that good feeling and pay it forward.

Season’s greetings to all. Have a Happy Hanukah and Kwanza, Merry Christmas. I wish you a very Happy, Healthy, Peaceful and Prosperous New Year.

                             Dan Clement
 

Tips to Make the Holidays Better For the Children of Divorce

Posted by Daniel Clement on December 17, 2008

In the spirit of the upcoming holidays, Newsweek offers guidance to divorced parents on how to make the holidays better for their children.

Admittedly, the holidays are the most difficult and painful times for families broken apart by divorce. Both parents want to maximize their time with their children. Even the best intentioned parent may be tempted to play the game of one-upmanship by giving bigger and more expensive gifts to the children in an attempt to buy their love. All of this leads to increased stress and conflict at a time that should be joyous.

But, there are things that you can do to make the holidays easier for the children. According to Robert E. Emery, professor of psychology and director of the Center for Children, Families and the Law, the challenge is to view and conduct your behavior from the children’s perspective.

Professor Emery offers these tips, with my comments included, to make the holidays more bearable:


1. Remember that the holidays are not all about you.

”Encourage the children to have a blast with their other parent, even if you can't stand the prospect of being alone.”


2. Get into the spirit of the season.

”This is a time of giving, forgiving and fresh starts. Turn Scrooge's emotional lessons about holidays past, present and yet to come into New Year's resolutions about letting go of anger and treasuring all you have—despite all you have lost.”

3. Love means far more than money.
 

Your time, love attention and emotional presence are the best gifts you can give your children. You do not have to be physically present to “be there” for your children. .
 

4. The holidays are not a competition with your ex, or for your children.

5. Communicate and coordinate with your children's other parent.

Communication and planning will ease transitions and reduce conflict and redundancy.
 

6. Celebrate with your children's other parent.

Children may feel guilt abandoning one parent during the holidays. Do a good deed – for the sake of the children – and include the other parent; maybe next year the favor will be returned.
 

7. Set up a plan for next year now.
To avoid last minute disappointment or negotiations, plan for the holidays in advance; if there is a holiday schedule try to stick to it, but be willing to amend it as needed.


8. Establish traditions with your children.
Establish new traditions with your children. After all, it is the rituals and traditions, passed on from generation to generation that make holidays special.


I wish you all a healthy, festive, joyous, peaceful, stress-free and prosperous holiday season.
 

Divorce Should Always Be An Option

Posted by Daniel Clement on December 08, 2008


I recently came across pretty naive article in which Ashia Sims, a relationship examiner, opined that marriage should be forever and divorce should not be an option. While the idea that that marriage is forever is highly appealing and very romantic, it is premised on an overly simplistic or idealized view that two people are destined to be together, forever.

In her article, Ms. Sims wrote:

In my mind, once I’m married it’s FOR LIFE. There is no breaking up or getting a divorce. We are going to make it work and grow old together. Period. I do agree that if you make divorce an option, even if only in the back of your mind, you give yourself permission to not work as hard as possible to make the relationship work.

I am not so cynical to believe that most people enter marriage viewing it as temporary condition. Most of my clients entered into their marriages in the good faith belief that they would spend the remainder of their lives with their spouses. But, life is not linear or always go as planned. Relationships evolve. People change. Two people, just because they are wed, do not necessarily grow at the same rate or in the same direction. When a couple no longer shares the same goals, visions or values and their differences can no longer be reconciled, even after counseling, should they be compelled to remain together? For what purpose?

Then, there are the issues of infidelity, domestic violence and substance abuse. Trust and respect are the cornerstones of a healthy relationship. If one of the spouses has been badly betrayed and the marital relationship has irretrievably broken down, why should these people stay together?

When dating, few people acknowledge that they are abusers. Should a battered spouse be compelled to remain in a marriage because of the simplistic view that marriage is forever?

While some people may prematurely end their marriages, most do not. The vast majority of divorcing couples elect to end their marriage as a gut wrenching last resort choice. Divorce only becomes an option after their attempts to salvage the marital relationship fail. No one should be forever imprisoned in a bad marriage because of the child-like belief that marriage has to be forever.

When Ms. Sims finally weds, I hope her relationship will be a healthy and nurturing long-lasting one. But, if life does not go as planned, it is good to know that are options.