New York Divorce Report - New York's Divorce and Family Law Blog

 While there is not a lot of levity in divorce, perhaps this tale of a husband and wife involved in a bitter divorce for possession of the marital home could be instructive. The Husband may have won a battle ( or so he thought); he certainly lost the war.   The story, if not useful, is, at least,  humorous.

 She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates,
 and suitcases.
 
 On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
 
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
 dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and
 feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
 chardonnay.
 
 When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed
 half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the
 curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
 
 When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for
 the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They
 tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents
 were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, and air
 fresheners were hung everywhere!
 
 Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which
 they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to
 replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped
 coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid
 quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to
 move.
 
 A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
 could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and,
 eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
 Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
 purchase a new place.
 
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He
 told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said
 hat she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce
her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing
 his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that
 was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were
 to sign the papers that very day.
 
 She agreed, and, within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A
 week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the
 moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the
 curtain rods.

This headline caught my eye:  Boy Tarzan's ma takes swing at dad in divorce.

 "The teenage star of Broadway's "Tarzan" was hurt so much by a bitter feud between his parents it sent him into intense therapy sessions."

Unfortunately, this is not an isolated case. It is the children who often bear the scares of a bitter divorce battle. In the best of situations, the parties agree that they cannot stay married, but work together to foster the best interests of the children.   However, in the worst of situations, the parties fight over everything, including the children. The children of a marriage merely become pawns in their parents’ battle. 

Minor visitation schedule modifications become epic battles; fights erupt over a drop-off and pick-up time for visitation. In the most egregious cases, one parent openly bad mouths the other parent to the children.  How could a child not become alienated or depressed? 

Every judge admonishes the litigants that the children have two parents and that the children have the right to enjoy the love and attention of both parents. It is sincerely hoped that parents put their differences aside and do what is necessary to support and foster relationships with their ex’s.   The alternative is, I am afraid, a country of depressed alienated children, who will one day promulgate their ills when they, one day, become parents.

 I often receive telephone calls from prospective clients and, without fail, the first question out of their mouth is, “How much will a divorce cost?”   I cannot answer that question, at least without probing further.

A divorce is not a commodity. A prospective client is not purchasing a widget, where they can comparison shop by price. Instead, the client is retaining a professional to render a service. Legal services are generally rendered on a time basis.   That is, the client generally pays for legal representation at an agreed upon hourly rate. An attorney’s hourly rate is often a measure of the lawyer’s experience, knowledge and reputation.  

Often, when I explain this, the next question is, “Well, you have been doing this for some time; you must know how long my divorce will take.”   My answer again is, “I don’t know how long your divorce will take.” I am an attorney not a fortune-teller.   I know only what you told me about your case, I completely unaware of your spouse’s view of the case (which may be diametrically opposed to your view). 

 Clearly, the more heated and contested the divorce, the more time will be spent in handling your matter, resulting in a higher fee. If you or your spouse are unreasonable in your expectations or inflexible in your demands, you will spend more time and money on the divorce. Oft times, parties will be so litigious, that the entire marital estate could be exhausted in legal fees.

 On the flip side, if there are no issues, or if the issues can easily be resolved, the cost of the divorce can be minimal.  

That said, should you really pick your attorney based solely upon price? After all, do you pick your doctor on price or because you are confident in his/her abilities? In future postings, I will discuss what you should consider when retaining an attorney.  

I think the only time a legal fee should be a consideration is when it is too low. A low ball legal fee is a reason to run away from that representation.   I am aware that there are many services that advertise they will assist you in obtaining a divorce for a couple of hundred dollars.   Stay away from these services. These practices may be, at best, paralegal services. Odds are you will never speak to an attorney. These “divorce mills” work on volume and are ill-equipped handle substantive legal problems.   

 Over the years, I have represented several clients after they have been “represented by” a divorce mill. Most of the cases were riddled with problems.   These unfortunate clients found out the hard way, there is no such thing as a bargain as the cost to undue the divorce mill’s errors exceeded the perceived savings in retaining these services. 

 On the other hand, I am not advocating going to the opposite extreme, retaining the lawyer with the highest hourly rate. Just go into the relationship with your eyes open.

One federal judge, miffed at lawyers who could not agree on how to handle a dispute, ordered the lawyers to appear on the courthouse steps and resolve their petty squabble by playing rock, paper, scissors.  Judge Makes 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' Ruling.  Perhaps this is a good method of alternative dispute resolution.

Clearly this judge would not have the patience to hear matrimonial disputes where the litigants oft argue like little children over personal property of little or no value.  Combative parties to a divorce will spend thousands of dollars on attorneys’ fees and court costs to fight about some object  of personal property, not because they really want it, but because their spouse expressed some interest in retaining it.  The tug-of-war over assets could easily deplete the marital estate so that in the end, after paying all the costs of litigation, there is nothing left to fight about.   I have often thought that when my clients become so entrenched in this type of battle, I would be doing them a service if I simply took my opposing counsel shopping and merely bought an identical set of dishes so that each spouse could “win.”

I think this Judge was correct in forcing the litigants to recognize their foolishness. Perhaps, rather than enabling some of the petty disputes that are common in a divorce, we should force the parties to recognize their counter-productive and immature behavior. This will certainly help to reduce the over crowded court calendars and reduce the cost of obtaining a divorce.

If dialog and reasonable negotiations fail, we can always resort to rock, paper scissors.